I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
