We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
