I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
