Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
