Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
