I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
