And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
