He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
