Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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