Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
