That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
