I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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