yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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