i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize