I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize