i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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