There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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