I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
