I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
