And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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