why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
