and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
