Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize