i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
