too bad you live with your parents still
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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