I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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