i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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