Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
