then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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