I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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