I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
