i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
