Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
