the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
