I want to make a zoo with you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
