he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
