From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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