what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
