Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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