??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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