I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
