Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
one might say we're banned from that church
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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