When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
