I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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