quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
