youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im six kinds of drunk right now
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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