Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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