How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
