NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
