my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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