Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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