do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize