dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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