We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize