I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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