Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize