I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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